SPIRALLING prices will soon elevate kitchen ‘maids’ (vegetables) into ‘delicate darlings’ on fancy leather embossed menu cards in top-notch restaurants, says a soothsayer whose prediction of ‘World will come to an end in 2012’ is gaining ground following the scarcity of edibles or their approaching ‘touch-me-not’ status.
The initial hee-hawing, crass and naughty jokes will die and then will emerge the collective phoenix of ‘vegetable bounty’ rising with the sounds of rapturous joy, which to a human may sound as ‘wicked mirthful chuckle’ but in essence it would have the ultimate and absolute power over those who have their nasal track intact, and a tongue that retains its salivation and ‘hangs’ beyond the Lakshman rekha of the lips.
The ‘Khans’, ‘Kapoors’, ‘Khannas’ and many Apollo gods like Hritiks, Akshays, Ajays, Neil Nitins of Bollywood would stomp their feet and even roundel up into broiler chickens to have their way with producers to include paeans and visuals of a delicate ‘Greeny’ bouquet in the movie, boomed the baba.
Lissom lasses (having turned reed thin) will not be entirely replaced, but step down just a shade to give space to ‘Culinary delights’. ‘ The Ultimate Tease’ will mesmerise ‘starving millions’ taking them away from their worldly worries giving them luscious ‘taste’, ‘feel’, ‘oozing desire’, ‘lust’ and much more, say the wide-eyed actors with ‘dollar dreams’ to the film producers . And it will continue to bring taalis’ too, they clap vigorously to show their stamina.
The marketing honchos will grab the idea and announce —‘Movie promos would be preceded by a top-of-green-rack PERFUME collection’. The top notch ones ‘Giggle Garlic’ ‘Onion Belch’ and ‘Radish Burp’ will share space with ‘Coriander Crush’ , ‘Tomato Orbs’, ‘Ginger Gargle’, ‘Mast Carrot’, ‘Royal Brinjal’, ‘Icy Pea’ and ‘Musk Mushroom’ in the first launch.
A multi starrer song will have Hritik singing to ‘garlic’: Bas itni siiiiiii tum se guzarish hai ..ye jo barrish hai …issss mein apni bahon se tumko mit jane se bacha lu ..bus itni si guzarish hai …’
Aamir will step in wooing the ‘onion’:“Chand sifarish jo karta hamari, deta woh tumko bata, sharm-o-haya ke parde gira ke (onion peels) karni hain humko khata, zidd hai ab toh hain khud ko mitana, hona hai tujh mein fanaa.
The baba’s cackle had now turned into a cacophony. I felt so bloated that I was ready to fly like a hot air balloon: “Stop it ! Stop it”, I shouted. ‘It is already 2012! Get your cremation pyre ready if you want to go to heaven!”
FIRST PUBLISHED IN THE TRIBUNE ON 26 TH JANUARY 2011 PAGE 12 OPINION PAGE AS ‘MIDDLE’